I'm sharing this because my heart knows the time is NOW to
share. I've come across so many others
that feel alone today and I want others to know, you are NEVER alone...so here
I share with you...
We've all felt it, we've all been there. We have all experienced or know of someone
going thru it. Then why is it THE
WORST KEPT SECRET... DEPRESSION.
An emotion or disease as some regard to it as, so serious and underestimated, and in some
cases causing a life to end, yet no one
wants to discuss or talk about it, even if talking meant saving a life.
After having four beautiful babies, very close together, my
emotions became uncontrollable and my body was slowing down and a hormonal
UNBalance took over. I was not getting
any younger and the cloudiness from hormones and the many changes my body was going thru was not becoming any clearer
or healthier.
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I look back at my writing journal and cannot believe the
darkness I was in. It was all clear to
me after my friend had recently shared with me his own thoughts written down of a day while
in his darkest time, I looked at him and said, "I have written these same
exact words at one time." He looked
at me completely astound that I was ever even in a depressed state. He's known me for over fourteen years, and
never knew because I hid it well and I never shared. It was not for me to bring others down with
me, it was my "job" to stay
happy, positive and bring others up whenever possible, so it seemed. to others. Because that. is. who. I. was....JPG)
"Someone in town was hit by a train, they believe it
was suicide!" I overheard these
words said by someone one day. My first
thought, my very first thought was , "wow, that would be so much easier
than sitting in a closed garage and turning the car ignition on." Without even hesitating, my mind started
thinking that that was such a better choice, the family wouldn't find me till
later, they wouldn't be reminded of it every time they went to the garage, this
would be a better way ending my darkness and doing it away from the house that my
family and I live in.
WHAT?!!!! What in the
world and why in the world would I DARE put that in my head?!!! Because I wasn't right , my emotions were not
balanced and I felt no purpose in my life, disregarding all others including
my children being left without a mom. But that was it, all I knew at that time was
that everyone would be so much better off without me. I was in a dark hole and I couldn't get deep
enough in it.
My mind was racing a hundred miles a minute of ideas, things
I had to do, things I didn't get done, things I said and regretted, things I
should've said, things I let go of... ALL THINGS... I would shut down not
knowing whether I was coming or going and especially not having any direction
of where to even start.
Going through the motions and taking care of four young
children at home became a huge fog and just moving my body became difficult and
speaking even became harder. I felt as
if the world was moving at a fast speed around me and I was at a standstill
without anyone knowing I was there. I knew I needed to make a change and do something fast when
I reacted in an uncontrollable anger to my beautiful 1 year old daughter at the
time. Her eyes looked at me in such
fear I knew I had to do something fast or these children will not have the
mother they deserve. I found a church
with a moms group. I kept trying to talk
myself out of going one morning, but my body kept moving, getting my girls
ready and myself out the door and in the car and on my way to this "moms
group." As if there was an angel
just pushing me out the door letting go of the heavy elephant that was on my shoulders, the big black dog that
was pulling me back on the leash and the heavy cinder blocks tied to my ankles;
all did not want me moving forward one more inch but the angel somehow conquered all and pushed
me through.
I realized I WAS
NOT ALONE. I met the most wonderful group of people once
I arrived at this church. Finding myself looking forward to going back, we talked and laughed, cried and most of all shared what we were each going through supporting one another and understanding that it's ok on this journey in life of challenges and the world was not out to get me. Challenges were making me stronger, it took me a long time to realize that.
If I wasn't being challenged each day,
I wasn't living to become a better person on the inside or to others.
I began to feel open
to finding more help.  |
| Bliss |
I reached out to my friends with a nutritional
background. I was told to take
a daily dose of Omegas, Vitamin B in Isotonix Form (VIP!) and an adaptogen called Bliss (as if this natural remedy's name isn't enough to make you smile!) If I was hyper, Bliss calmed me down, If I
was depressed it brought me up. It
adapted to what my body needed at the moment, and was not an "upper"
or "downer" and did not cause drowsiness or hi anxiety. Bless kept me "stable". Bliss kept my emotional chemical balance on a leveled playing field.
 |
| Omegas |
Omegas were important to clear the clouds in my head and my
mind thinking straight. It was my brain
food.
B's were important to keep my energy level up with my mood
maintaining balance. Isotonix form was
important so my body would recognize it and absorb all the nutrients that
different foods were already depleting in my body.
 |
| Activated B Vitamin |
My foods, I cut back on the heavy cups of caffeine, it put
me on edge, I was extremely anxious and very short tempered, carbs I cut back
on (as much as I could) and layed off the sugar. So many chemicals are
approved in foods individually and unfortunately. Many chemicals COMBINED in foods is extremely harmful and
this is not what is tested when foods are produced, the reaction of combined chemicals is HARMFUL and VERY DANGEROUS to your body! At first it was difficult until I learned of all the crap in the foods, and honestly, I never felt like
eating much until I emotionally binged, inhaling everything in my site, disregarding all I have learned, hence
the heavy weight!
The girls from my moms group could not believe I was NOT on
an anti-depressant as if it were more important than a really good
Multi-Vitamin. Almost each one of them had a different recommendation of what pill I should take and I couldn't believe how many
different pills were out there and how many moms were all on something. I
didn't see any consistent balance with any of us and didn't understand in my
heart how these pills were helping these friends. There were days where some of them were so
on, and days that some of us were so off.
It just didn't add up in my head to be on a statin drug. As I began to take the slow steps to nutrition, I also
slowly began different actions each day.
Positive affirmations. I wrote on post it notes and kept up on my
bathroom mirror... Today is Great! Today
I feel Alive! Today is MY Day! Today will be Awesome! Sounds crazy, but I needed to see it, say it
and hear it. It was the only positive
vibes I could get close to enough and why not start my morning with greatness
one word at a time? I taped up pictures of times my heart felt whole. I wanted to be reminded I felt alive at one time. |
| A daily reminder of life itself. |
I began MOVING more. Climbing out of my dark hole, lifting off the
covers. Finding sunshine when getting up
to open the drapes, walking to the bathroom and feeling each step on the bottom
of my feet touching the soft carpet.
Breathing in each breath making it up and down the stairs. Smelling the fresh air by stepping outside. I fell in love with and now still obsessed
with the sunsets each evening and the sunrises each new day. Every day was a new painting, a new beginning. I found joy in my beautiful outdoor surroundings.
Most importantly, I began reaching
out to others. A small text
saying good morning to a special friend I haven't heard from, a card to someone
I haven't seen in a while. A positive
post to motivate others. I started
reaching out to motivate and inspire others and the replies and comments and
feedback I would get began to motivate and inspire ME more than I could ever
imagine. It also made me realize there
were people in much darker places and they needed help getting out too.
 |
| Amy Bosman, an inspiration to help and give to so many others during her time here on earth. |
 |
| The Moms Sister & Lifelong Friend |
Once I started recognizing life as it was again, I ONLY surrounded myself with
people that I felt positive with. Any darkness or negativity I
felt I steered clear from. It was work
for me to reach out of my dark hole and I was not going to let a person's negative
energy set me back for any reason at all.
I had already worked too hard to get at the point I now was. I surrounded myself with the people I loved the most, and stopped hiding and running from them.
Prescription Drugs were not the answer for me. I was fearful and knew enough that one drug
always led to another, than another, than another, damaging the liver due to
all the side effects but keeping a clear mind at the same time didn't at all make sense to me. You are familiar with the saying, "Either
your mind goes or your body but never both." or "She was there mentally, but the body just shut
down." Hhhmmm.... I'd like my body
and mind to remain 100% thank you.
I had to find my own options, my own ways to get out of the
darkness and live the greatness I am here to live. It is OK to feel the way you do, it IS NOT ok to keep it to
yourself and not share it with others that have the ability to help you.
DO NOT EVER think you are alone, there are so
many amazing people in this world that are put into your path for a reason to
guide you out of the darkness and into the light, you just have to be open to
letting them. YOU are here for
greatness, DO NOT underestimate how powerful your heart is.
One day at a time, one breath at a time, and you will be on
a journey of love and happiness every day of your life.
